Disney Sells ABC for $20 Billion as Franklin D. Blunderhorn III Declares War on The View

In a jaw-dropping move that sent shockwaves through Wall Street and left daytime TV enthusiasts reeling, Disney has officially sold ABC for a whopping $20 billion. The buyer, shrouded in mystery until this morning, turned out to be none other than billionaire hedge fund tycoon and self-proclaimed “part-time truth seeker” Franklin D. Blunderhorn III. His first order of business? Axing The View with what can only be described as theatrical disdain.

“I didn’t drop $20 billion to babysit a table full of over-caffeinated aunts arguing like it’s the last family reunion before the apocalypse,” Blunderhorn quipped during a press conference, inexplicably held at a roadside diner. “The View isn’t television. It’s a live-action anxiety attack. I’m here to put an end to the madness.”

The announcement left fans and critics of the long-running talk show in shock. Joy Behar, the show’s veteran co-host and human embodiment of “Actually…,” took the news in stride. “I’ve survived more co-hosts than I can count, three executive shake-ups, and at least two end-of-the-world scares. I’ll manage,” she said with a shrug. Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg was reportedly seen loading a suspiciously large suitcase into a van marked “Plan B.”

The cancellation was delivered in typical Blunderhorn fashion: via a fax sent in all caps to ABC’s New York headquarters. The message read:
“THE VIEW IS DEAD. LONG LIVE PEACE AND QUIET.”
It was signed with a mysterious coffee ring and what forensic experts later identified as a smear of hot sauce.

Blunderhorn wasted no time unveiling his vision for the newly acquired network, which he has rechristened “Always Blunderhorn Content.” Planned programming includes Extreme Budget Yachting, America’s Next Top Billionaire, and a reboot of Walker, Texas Ranger starring a Golden Retriever named Buck. “It’s time to make television unpredictable again,” he declared while sipping kombucha from a wine glass shaped like Jeff Bezos’ bald head.

Reactions to Blunderhorn’s plans have been mixed. Some industry insiders are hailing him as a maverick visionary, while others are calling the move “a billionaire’s midlife crisis disguised as a media strategy.” One anonymous executive summed it up: “Sure, he’s unhinged. But when you’ve got a bank account bigger than most countries, who’s going to stop you?”

As for The View, rumors are swirling that the show might find a second life on a rogue livestreaming platform based in international waters, where neither FCC rules nor basic decorum apply.

For now, millions of Americans will have to find another outlet for their daily fix of heated debates about Taylor Swift, COVID vaccines, and whether pineapple belongs on pizza.

The end of an era? Perhaps. Or, depending on your feelings about daytime TV, the start of something much quieter.